To not be seen for who and what you really are by someone else is not at all as impactful on your Life and Being as to not see your self for who and what you really are.
When others do not see us for who and what we really are, it may be an inconvenience ... depending on the circumstance and your perspective. In the bigger picture, it is really not worth your time or energy to fret over these types of things. If we do care whether others see us as we see ourselves, this is useful information and provides us with more reflection. Who cares? Why care? How is this distracting us from what is really important or what is present in the moment? As we self-reflect, we are able to learn more about ourselves, and relationships are a wonderful tool we can use for Knowing Ourselves.
Most people do care, generally speaking, about what others think or how others feel about them. This is one of the difficulties that arises in relationships, and is mostly related to the fact that we hold self-images and egos (false personalities full of mechanical and formatory behaviours is another way to view this) within ourselves which are difficult to see unless we are willing to look in the mirror of self-reflection and see things how they really are.
If someone presents us with something we do not hold as an image of ourselves, we tend to slip into resistance, denial, redirecting ... all these forms of defense arise. Soon we are behaving in ways that surely do not reflect who we see ourselves as, but now we feel justified and so that becomes another buffer we have difficulty seeing through. We find others who support our view (and we stick with these people and get along quite well with them) and this further validates and justifies our view and now our ego and distorted self-image is solidified even more. In order to see ourselves clearly we must face the fact that we are supporting a false self ... a false personality. How many of us do this Work? It is not very popular!
If someone confronts us about something we have done or not done - even if inaccurate, our best response is receptivity... listening, hearing and reflecting back to the person what it is we hear or understand them saying. When this is done properly, we often find that we can clear up misunderstandings and misinterpretations and that we leave with a greater understanding of what is really bothering the other person. This is communication.
Most people will not hear before they are off into a reaction mode - this interferes immensely with communication. How can anything be resolved if someone is not hearing effectively? We are better off tuning in...hearing...listening...showing interest in the other person and what they are saying - no matter how difficult we may imagine this to be. Remaining calm in order for understanding and harmony to be gained is critical. If one or more people are not willing to participate in this way, communication breakdown occurs, drama escalates, people are not heard, blaming occurs and suddenly things escalate out of control.
Ever notice that those who do not see you as you are really aren't interested in finding out whether their perceptions are true? So your efforts in demonstrating who you are and how you are do not really matter .. simply Be YOU and this is enough. If it were that easy to simply Be YOU, we wouldn't have the sorts of challenges we do in our life. From drama in relationships to stress and illness ... many of the things we call negative experiences in Life are the result of not knowing who and what we really are. So once again, the Work is pointed back at ourselves.
This leads us to the second point: to not see your self as who and what you really are is far more important than concerning yourself with how others perceive you. It is a huge trap to look at a mirror and see a distorted image. Though this second point is really where our attention is best placed (looking at our own reflection), it is a skill and one requires the awareness of the benefits of doing so ... this has to override the comfort of staying in the old pattern. The pattern has to be seen ... it has to be accepted as real and within us ... it has to be faced ... a new healthier pattern has to be learned ... the new pattern has to be applied appropriately and consistently.
This applies to me. This applies to you. No one can escape this fact, for it is a human condition - a condition which can be transformed. Look at yourself ... observe your relationships ... always bring a receptivity to seeing the part you play in things ... apply this and be free from the illusion that this only applies to others! We began this blog by stating ... to not be seen for who and what you really are by someone else is not at all as impactful on your Life and Being as to not see your self for who and what you really are. Place your attention on your inner growth. Be brave and willing to look at the places that you normally react to with self-importance or self-pity. There is rich ground for liberation in the dark ... darker parts of ourself.
Students have asked these questions:
`What about the times that I wish to gain understanding and tactfully point something out to someone and receive no listening .... only redirecting, blame and reactions?'
`What if communication breaks down and there is nothing I can do to regain harmony because others will not do their part?'
`What if I am willing to communicate in this way and others are not?'
I have heard this time and time again from students who have the tools and then re-enter relationships where others do not have these tools - nor the desire (or awareness) to look at themselves. I have seen many students take steps backwards in their attempts to now reenter a family ... thinking things will change because they have ... or things will change because they will now assist others in seeing things differently ... or things will change because they are different and their family will now see this and behave differently.
Some of these things are possible, but we must remember that it takes the willingness and ability of others to cooperate in new things and new ways. Often, families come to a comfort zone where there is the superficial illusion that all is well - due to a lack of real inner Work. Doing the best they can to stick together, all the patterns are set, so everyone just plays them out. Anyone who shakes or rocks this comfort boat is often attacked and seen as creating trouble (even when their perceptions are accurate).... For students who face this challenge in their family, I often suggest that they speak their mind with calm ... attempting to clear out what they wish to express. If they are not met with an equal calm and understanding, I usually suggest that they can choose one of these options:
1. Continuing to remain calm, work at furthering your attempt at communication. State your concerns and your position and refuse to engage in the negativity coming your way ... focus on the issue and what you desire to express. See if resolution can occur and work to make changes with the cooperation of the other(s).
2. If your attempt to communicate fails and they do not work with you in order to hear or see what you are communicating, see whether you can come to your own inner resolution. Can you learn to tolerate the outcome ... the continuing behaviour which is not changing? Do you require some time and space to assist you in doing this? Do what you have to do for yourself to respect your own boundaries.
3. If you have attempted step 1 and 2 with no success and they will not see or hear your view.... and you find the situation intolerable for whatever reason, consciously choose to put yourself in a better place doing other things with your time. Put boundaries up regarding the situation and/or the people involved. Decide what you will tolerate and what you will not ... stay away until it either shifts or you have shifted enough to deal with it without it affecting you. Make this choice consciously with full awareness of potential consequences. Above all else, continue to work on yourself.
Some students are so intertwined in their relationships and the patterns and dynamics that they find it difficult to determine what is about them and what is about others. In our training we learn to read people and situations very well and in depth. This comes after many years of Work on coming to Know Our Self FIRST. Once we know ourselves, we read others with accuracy and ease. After some time we learn how to read things that others do not see in themselves - or are not willing to admit to others. We learn to pay attention to language, tone, behaviour, body readings, energy, the medications a person relies on, health issues, favourite food and drinks, attitudes and behaviours to see what they really hold inside. Knowledge and experience in feeling and sensing these things can teach us about ourselves and others.
We can not blame others for their ignorance - to do so would not help. We often have plenty of our own things to work with too ... we are not Working on the level of blame of others, we are Working to expose reality for what it is and to face it in order to heal and truly grow. Those who resist this, do not and can not (in their present level of Being) see this in themselves, so we are better off returning to our own inner Work and if we are choosing to avoid being around them, to do so not with holding on to resentment and anger or grief ... but to feel these things fully in our bodies as they arise within us, see them for what they are and then to release these energies so they do not poison us. It's all the holding on that we are able to read in others ... those who claim not to harbour these things within them can not lie to one who can See ... and often enough do not realize they lie to themselves ... it is their conditioning and patterns which keep them where they are.
So where are we left with all of this? As usual, in this Work, we are always coming back to our self. Care less if others do not see you for who or how you really are ... care more about revealing to your self who and how you really are.
